Friday, February 8, 2013

Why I Still Don’t Own an Acoustic Piano, Part Four

Or, Wading Through the Piano Ad Jargon, Part Two

See yesterday’s post for a brief explanation of today’s post.

Seller says = Actual meaning

Highly desirable model = it’s not as irritating as measles

Rare = I've been to every storage unit auction in the tri-county area and I've never seen one of these

This piano just needs a good home = it needs to be somewhere other than this house

Very well cared for = we've never set it on fire and we cleaned most of the rat droppings out of it

Reconditioned = it was broke, but we kind of fixed it

Refurbished = it was broke, but we paid some guy to kind of fix it

Restored = it was broke, but we paid some guy to cobble together some piano parts and make it look like it was fixed

All original = we were too lazy to recondition, refurbish, or restore it

Real ivory keys = I wouldn't know ivory if I got stabbed by an elephant tusk

Original ivory keys = you can see the wood on some of the keys because the plastic stuff peeled off

Not ivory (although, these have broken off in the fashion of real ivory, so, maybe...)
The piano plays perfect = some of the keys move and when they do, there’s noise

Comes with a bench = we've got to get rid of that hunk a junk, too

Inspected by an expert and appraised for (some ridiculous number) = Uncle Bernie saw something resembling a piano on the Internet once selling for (some ridiculous number)

Sacrifice for (some equally ridiculous number) = I need (some equally ridiculous number) to buy a new ATV and some socks

Serious inquiries only = Okay, I'll take $5000 less than (some equally ridiculous number)

Like I said yesterday, it took me a long time to figure out a lot of this jargon, and that’s why I still don’t own an acoustic piano. (End part four)

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