Why I Still Don’t Own an Acoustic Piano, Part Three

Or, Wading Through the Piano Ad Jargon, Part One

Piano sellers, God bless them, are a unique lot. There are a handful of realists out there, but for some reason, 95% percent of the people trying to sell a piano on e-bay or Craigslist see a gold mine and not a money pit. They aren't going to admit that there are a plethora of nicer, and correctly priced, pianos out there because for whatever reason, they think their piano is better or “special”. For this reason, it’s safe to say their viewpoint is not going to improve and they will continue to embellish the descriptions of their marginal (or worse) pianos. So, for those who are new to the piano buying game, I thought I would put my three years of experience and acquired knowledge to good use and compose this “Piano Buyer’s Guide to Piano Seller’s Jargon”, just to help out. It’s not all inclusive, but you should get the idea by reading through the short list below:

Seller says = Actual meaning

Brand new = a couple years old

Close to brand new = it’s pretty new, but something on it's broke

Like new = it was new, once, a couple years, okay decades, ago

Vintage = really old, which is why it doesn't work but I’m still trying to sell it

Antique = my grandma got it from her grandma and it’s been in our family ever since and we didn't know what to do with it aside from putting framed pictures and doilies on top of it

Requires TLC = broken

What the seller sees

Just needs tuning = just needs new pins, thirty or forty strings replaced, a dehumidifier or humidifier, and two tunings by a professional, at least two weeks apart

Not all the keys work but can easily be fixed = will only cost a couple thousand to get in working order

Needs minor repair = we couldn't get it to work

A few nicks and scratches = one of the legs still has some paint on it

Great for a beginner = if you've never touched a piano before, you might even believe for a couple of minutes that this is a musical instrument

Nobody in our family plays = See “antique”

Our daughter only played it a few hours a week when she was little = the chocolate milk stain is quite faded and most of the snot has flaked off by now

What the buyer sees

Can’t bear to see this piano not being used = we have enough firewood

Sounds as good as the day we brought it home = I’m still as tone deaf as a rock under water

Seriously, it took me a long time to figure out a lot of this jargon, and that’s why I still don’t own an acoustic piano. (End part three)

Tomorrow: Part Four of Why I Still Don’t Own an Acoustic Piano, which will also be part two of Wading Through the Piano Ad Jargon