Cheap cell phones are the problem, Latin jazz is the solution

In my job, I have to deal with all sorts of people of varying levels of intelligence and capabilities. Now, don’t stop reading yet. I’m not going off on a rant about that. What I am going to rant about is the fact that some of those people are not only incapable, but they are inconsiderate, and, they don’t have the tools to do their job effectively. I’m talking about cheap ass cell phones and crappy “back of the cave” speaker phones.

Here’s how I look at it: If you've called me up, you obviously want to talk to me. You obviously have some important idea to communicate and relay to me. You should, therefore, want to convey it in the most thorough, most accurate, and best way possible. You should not, therefore, call me with a device that breaks up as easily as a North Korean rocket booster. Get your fat ass up out of whatever the hell chair you are sitting in, go to where there is a phone connected with an actual wire to an actual wall with a physical connection to the world. Then, and only then, call me.

If this is the phone you are using, NEVER, ever, for any reason, call me.

I’m prompted into this rant by one guy I've been dealing a lot with lately whose phone breaks up at the slightest provocation. If a car pulls up in our parking lot, or a bird flies by, or somebody opens their desk drawer, or a moth lands on the window, his cell phone signal breaks up. It’s absolutely infuriating. Not long ago, I had a two minute conversation with him that took, I swear, seven and a half minutes. The reason it didn't last longer than that is because I fought back. I got tired of having to say, “What?” or “I didn't catch that” or, “You’re breaking up”, so I started talking back to him imitating the exact pattern of words and spaces I was hearing. He soon got tired of me “breaking up” and he hung up and didn't call back for three days. A portion of that conversation went something like this:

Him: Did you   regulations because seven before last time?

Me: You’re  couldn't  if you  weren't  capacity.

Then I realized, it’s rhythmic. And then I realized, it’s damn near a straight clave, or at other times a bossa, or samba, or any of a number of other Latin rhythms. So now, when I have to deal with idiots, I try to anticipate what I’m going to have to say or explain, then I break it into Latin music patterns. Here’s clave:

Normal: Jim, I really like working with you, but your cell phone leaves something to be desired and I get too frustrated talking to you, so I’m going to hang up now.

Clave style: Jim I like with but your cell phone something be and I get too talking so I’m going to up now.

Jim hears: Jim I guh, like guh with guh but your cell phone guh something guh be guh and I get too guh talking guh so I’m going to guh up now.

When he says “What?”, I give him the other part: Really working you leaves to desired frustrated to you hang. (with appropriate pauses to get the proper rhythm).

Like I said, it’s been three days since I tried this out. Jim still hasn't called back. (He did send me one email, which I’m ignoring, and since he’s the type to ask, “Did you get my email?” , when he asks I will simply say, “No.”) I’m already rehearsing my bossa stutter for his next phone call.

Me, get angry and fed up? No, not as long as I have jazz.